Disappointment

Hello all, I'm sorry I haven't been blogging in a while, but it's been a rough couple of months which I'm sure you can all relate to. The stress of the holidays takes it toll on all of us lupies and I hope that you all survived them pain free and happy!

I had been plotting out my day so that I could go out and have fun with some friends tonight. I paced the day out so that I did my hair and took a rest. I picked out my clothes and then needed another rest. I was just about to do my makeup and right after I started, I began sweating like crazy and my hands are shaking so badly that I couldn't even attempt to put on eye makeup. After yet another rest, I finally had to give in and admit that I wasn't going to be well enough to make it out. I had to make yet another phone call disappointing the people I've made plans with and making me feel like I have absolutely no control over my own life.

What else can I do? I feel so trapped by my own body and hate having to disappoint the people around me. I WANT to go out with friends and socialize. I WANT to wake up in the morning and not have to wait five minutes to get my bones to stop hurting so badly so I can get out of bed. I WANT to start dating at some point and be able to find that person that will want to spend their life with me, but why on earth can I expect someone to want to spend their life with me when i can't stand living my own life right now.

For four years, I have been battling this crippling disease and slowly, bit by bit, it has taken over my life. I am so ready to take my life back, yet these painful days come along and as much as I try to fight it, the pain always seems to win. How do I get my life and body under control? What do I do that will make the difference and make my life just a little easier?

We started this foundation to help people in my position and make their lives better. I'm a little nervous that while I spend my time trying to make other people's lives easier, I may never figure out how to make mine improve. Shouldn't I have the answers as to how things can get better before I help others? I love trying to make someone else's life better, but am so tired of having to spend every waking minute trying to find the answers that will make my own life livable.

I guess I'm off to take more pain pills and try to numb the aching in my bones, but the real question is how to do I fix the aching in my heart?