Questions

Do you ever wake up in the morning feeling miserable and hurting so bad that you start to ask yourself "what did I do to deserve this?"? That's the resounding thought that is going through my head today. I woke up in so much pain that it took me over ten minutes just to turn over and look at the clock. I'm 32 years old. Why do I have the body of an 80 year old person??

I'm well aware that none of these questions have answers but that doesn't keep me from asking them all the same. I've got a terrible cold right now, can't breathe, am coughing, have fevers, and am in so much pain, I wince every time I move. What in my life did I do to deserve something like this? Did I not pray enough? Did I not do enough good deeds? Why would someone punish people like this?

I believe in Karma and that whatever you do comes back on you, but for the life of me I cannot figure out what I did in this life or the last to deserve this type of life. I watch the world and see all my friends and family around me and their lives just seem so easy. How many challenges is a person suppose to take before they just give in and let the disease take over their life?

My last blog was all about fighting. I will fight against this, but it just gets so exhausting after a while and I just can't help but think about what my life might be like without this plague. Would I be happy? Would I be moving forward with ease? What would I make of my life then? I also know that there is no way to know what would have been or whether I would have taken it all for granted.

I do believe I am stronger for having to deal with this disease and everything that comes with it, but what exactly does strength do for you? I truly hope that all of you out there that are healthy never take it for granted because it is absolutely true that there is no better blessing than good health.


"The greatest wealth is health."
~Virgil

New Years Blues

Happy new year to one and all. I hope that you managed to survive the holidays in good health. I had a fabulous holiday with my family down in California, but that's not to say that it didn't come with some painful trade-offs.

If you know me well, you know that I adore my niece and nephew and will take any opportunity to spend time with them. On this last trip, I was lucky enough to have them almost every day we were there. While I love being the fun aunt and doing projects with them, I was really dissapointed when I started feeling bad and knew there was something wrong.

Of course I was out of town when all of this happened so there was no way to go see one of my thousands of doctors, but by the third day of struggling to keep up with the kids, I knew I had an infection and called in to a doctor in Portland. They were kind enough to phone me out some antibiotics which arrived just in the knick of time because I'm pretty sure I was only a few hours away from an ambulance ride at that point.

Christmas eve was spent having a wonderful dinner with my family and then opening presents with everyone. While I had a great time and loved seeing the kids have so much fun, I was also sweating with a fever, had severe back pains from the kidney infection and was having heart palpatations as I watched my niece and nephew open their gifts. Of all the ways I imagined my holiday going, this was my least favorite option.

My family is so supportive and just tried not to notice when I had to change clothes three times during dinner because I had sweated through them and let me lay on the couch while the gifts were open, but damn it, I really wanted to be sitting there with everyone feeling great and enjoying every second instead of just getting through it.

I know that whining won't make things any better, but it is still very frustrating to have the important memories in your life tainted by this crazy disease. Lupus can take over your life if you let it and I am determined not to let it take mine. There are still days where that fight is harder than others, but if you see the good things around you and focus on them, it does make it easier.

I truly hope that everyone else had a much healthier holiday than mine and was able to spend it with your family and loved ones. My resolution this new year is to never stop fighting back against this disease and I hope that you don't either!

"Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles."
~Author Unknown